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|Sunday, May 3rd, 2009|
You know, this quarter was going fantastically and then this weekend hit and now I just need for it to be over. But we are only officially halfway through and it won't be over for a good 5 more weeks, and then I still have all of this summer.
I don't even know what to do with myself right now and I hate that. I also hate that I can't seem to study even though that's what I desperately need and, even better, no one will answer their phones!
I think I'm in one of those weird life phases right now where there isn't exactly a place I fit in, which sucks a bit.
|Monday, March 16th, 2009|
It's not that I hate being here or even that I don't enjoy it and I certainly enjoy the people I'm with, but still, right now I just want to go home. Every time I think I'm totally in control, I just lose it. What happened to last year? What's with this hindsight business?
Pull it together, seriously...5 months and you graduate.
|Sunday, January 18th, 2009|
I suspect that a year may be long enough. I need to make some kind of a change, that much is clear, but...what?
|Tuesday, January 6th, 2009|
Just had my first day interning, and let me tell you...10 am--11pm school is not fun or easy and I'm so exhausted I'm not even going to write about it.
|Wednesday, December 17th, 2008|
I just got a prescription for Xanax...which is misleading. It's actually 4 pills, and it's only for dentistry purposes. Yes, I'm apparently in need of a mood stabilizer for getting cavities filled. I would have been fine with Valium, but apparently the dentist thought that was a poor idea.
More excitingly, I interviewed for the internship at Children's, so I'll hopefully be hearing back within the week. It's definitely a long shot, but I can hope. I have much baking to do even after doing about a week of straight up baking. I also just sneezed on my cat.
The snow! It's so beautiful, but it has also basically restricted me to my house. I know I needed it, though...
|Monday, September 22nd, 2008|
I feel like I'm going to meet someone important very soon. Which sounds nice, I'd really like to meet someone important. It's been a long time. We're heading back to school tomorrow at noon. I remember last year how much I dreaded going back after a weekend home, and I might get that way again, but currently I'm just impatient because I absolutely feel something great is going to happen there.
Also I need to start work because the cash flow is low to nonexistent. Awesome.
Also...my dorm room is fucking cute.
|Thursday, September 4th, 2008|
I feel like maybe everything in my life is going to line up. At least, at this current moment I do, because I read a number of inspiring updates from some friends. But honestly, how could it not? I'm in better shape than I've been in five years or so, I actually am enjoying and craving more physical activity and I feel more independent up on the mountains than I ever have before.
Since I lost a friend in the transition to high school, I've had these ridiculous recurring dreams about her, and being friends with her again, and finally, I think we might be getting somewhere in real life. This is very strange to me, but I'm going to take it as a good thing. And yes, so I have absolutely no romantic contact to look forward to, but I'm about to move into a new dorm with upperclassman who won't be the annoying freshmen on my floor last year. I can't wait for this school year, because I think I've undergone a lot of growth this summer and I think I can be the person I want to be, to enjoy school.
Now, the downside: I'm fairly close to broke, I have 10 hour days of class and school next quarter, and I have $3434875 worth of hiking supplies that I do in fact need. Oh well, things'll work out.
|Friday, August 1st, 2008|
So I'm almost halfway through my summer and am not sure what I've really accomplished, but I'm pleased with it so far. In three weeks I'm heading to San Francisco for a week to help Noah move in. That's not the entire purpose of my visit.
Considering where I was a year ago I'm fairly pleased with my life. I'm nearing 30 pounds of chubbiness gone, and picking up hiking like no other. I'm kind of best friends with the person I was dating last summer and pursuing one of my other best friend's exes, which is almost awkward. I really love the weight loss, mostly how I look and feel about myself, but it's slightly annoying that all of the clothes I spent a long time collecting are huge on me now. Some things I used to love I just can't wear out of the house because everything looks like a tent. Still, I think I'll keep the new body over the clothing.
On Monday I'm going in to talk to the Nursing School admissions lady at Whatcom to go over requirements and figure out what I have to squeeze into 3 quarters in order to attend in 2009. And 2012 will see me...Well, I don't really know where yet, but I'm hoping for South Africa, Cameroon, or Kenya.
There's a lot to look forward to, and I like it. Now if only that boy would call me...
|Sunday, July 20th, 2008|
Heading out to hike Ptarmigan Ridge tomorrow, which might be kind of intense since I haven't done a real hike in a few years. I definitely wouldn't have been able to do this 25 pounds ago, but now I'm feeling a bit more confident. Also, I can now wear shorts, which is what it's all about. I'm totally outdoorsing it up with my AA lederhosen cord shorts and tall socks with hiking boots, my new bright green sports bra and exercise shirt, my trusty Northface jacket, a bandana and walking stick. Oh, and the backpack. Other hikers will be pointing at me and laughing. But still, I'm pretty excited. I'm also tremendously bored today as I'm stalling as much as possible with the cars and lights on my painting. This is bad, as I have to finish it in two weeks to enter it in the Fair and I've been working on it since last September. Hmm.
|Tuesday, July 1st, 2008|
|While I have a moment...
Finished my second day at the berry fields today. We start at 5 am so I'm up at 4, which is exhausting and why I'm trying to get to sleep by 10 tonight. The work is fine for the first seven hours or so, but around 12-2 pm you hit this horrible hopeless patch where you're pretty sure you're going to die there, and then the last hour or two are okay. My back and feet are in so much pain it hurts to sit or lay with my back at all curved. To top it all off, yesterday I got so horrendously sunburned that my entire upper body is a tomato, and for the first time, i have sun blisters. It's awful.
But, I made another $80 today. My God, I can't wait until I'm in the medical profession and get paid like $25 more dollars an hour.
|Saturday, May 17th, 2008|
It's been way too hot the past three days and I've only made it to the gym on one of them, Thursday, since it was moderately acceptable and I was deluded. But yesterday and today...I feel so incredibly pathetic that I have to hide out in my room, with the lights off, directly in front of my fan, due to the heat. Nobody else is this insane. All the other kids--I call them kids despite them being often older than I am, due to their childlike proclivity for constantly taking their clothing off--are out on the Mercer lawn having a barbecue and, surprisingly, wearing barely any clothing. It's intimidating, you see.
Still, since I started counting, I've now lost 10 pounds, which puts my overall estimate somewhere near 15. So there's lots more to go, but the best part is that I actually feel healthier and don't get angry with myself when I eat. Mostly because now I make good food choices.
I've been considering it for a while now, and I've completely decided that once I'm a certified midwife and have some form of a spouse, I'm heading off to the Peace Corps. They're in need of trained midwives to help the traditional midwives in all parts of Africa work with things like shoulder dyscotia, vertical HIV transmission, promoting healthy breastfeeding practice, etc. I'm hoping that the year of French I'm taking starting in the fall will help out, and right now I'm hoping I can be stationed in Cameroon. The lack of civil war is nice. And said spouse will be coming with me, because I might be a little determined, but there's no way I can do that alone. Still, I truly believe it's something I have to do in order to completely reconcile who I am and who I want to be. In addition, what an opportunity...
On a completely different thread, I've got my next two tattoos completely planned--a thistle along the top of my left food, and a sparrow on the back of my neck. I still really want to get a Luther rose, but that might be near my hip and I'm thinking I should birth my children before that. And speaking of children--my God! My hormones have been absolutely raging the past two months and yesterday my roommate caught me searching through strollers and slings. It's not my fault! One day, I tell you.
The folks are at the ELCA synod assembly in Everett today, so later tonight they might come by and hang out with me some. Life is pretty good, despite the fact that the heat is going to make my face melt off.
|Sunday, April 6th, 2008|
I don't understand how things can just always completely to fall apart exactly when I need them to hold. I don't even know what to rely on anymore, and maybe part of that has to do with me needing to be a more understanding and reliable person myself, but with everyone and ever situation being so vindictive and defensive...I'm just tired of it. Even if there's nothing I can do to make things better, I'm tired of it.
|Saturday, March 29th, 2008|
Yesterday I finally got one of the tattoos I've been wanting for a while, shit is beautiful. And the doctor today decided to biopsy my alien fungus, which is not a fungus, possibly is psoriasis...But now I have stitches, for the first time since I was 18 months old. Well, I have one stitch. Still. That leg is pretty damn gimpy.
I'm trying to get the spring and summer employment figured out...and working on some shit with the personal life as well. All is calm, for the most part, though I did have to say goodbye to Noah again today for 2 more months and I hate that.
|Saturday, March 22nd, 2008|
I'm glad you finally decided to tell me today, almost. It makes me feel like a fool. It makes me feel like a fool because you lectured me and made me feel guilty for something I hadn't even come close to doing, wasn't even having an opportunity to do, and made me promise to tell you if I did, and then you go and do just that and keep it hidden from me. It makes me feel like a fool that you and everyone we know talked about it and talked about me and excluded me and that you're still, you're fucking still trying to play it off like you're so injured. I don't care how much no one understands you, you need to learn that you can't treat people that way. You value no one but yourself and expect everyone else to give something you never even consider offering yourself. I'm tired of not being valued, too, and maybe a lot of that has to do with you. But I don't owe you anything. Nothing. I had every right to do what I did. I won't be made to feel like a criminal for trying to salvage my world.
I still can't believe this. I don't know what to do, what to say, I don't know what you want me to do. There's just nothing.
And I just really need to feel wanted right now. And I don't want to hear it from you. And maybe once in a while, I want to receive a little support, too.
|Thursday, March 13th, 2008|
Okay I can't even begin to describe the amazingness that was my fifth Rufus show. Finally properly met him--did not give him a hug, he was far too rushed, but I got lovely pictures...and things maybe will start to work out? I don't know.
I'm afraid of anyone's influence over me. People shouldn't be able to make me feel this bad about myself.
|Wednesday, March 5th, 2008|
Things could be going slightly better. I didn't get the assistantship I wanted because apparently my hours don't work for them, even though they are exactly what they asked for, plus some. Whatever, I just can't worry about that one anymore. Trying for a less exciting but also possibly less crazy/more literate one.
I'm still trying to convince myself that taking an 8pm to 2am job next quarter is a fantastic idea. Unfortunately, it is the only way to have a job and I have to have one.
And the SMS only admits 18 students per year. They'd better fucking appreciate my bachelor's degree.
|Tuesday, March 4th, 2008|
Bowling? Shopping? Bellevue? Tanning? ...das Boy?
Yes, I like these things.
Getting a higher grade in math than psych?
What is happening to the world?
|Thursday, February 28th, 2008|
So despite the FAFSA clusterfuck I'm trying to remain very positive. The plan for next quarter is Comparative Film & Opera, writing intensive Shakespeare, and Geographical Patterns of Health & Disease. In addition I'm going to try to get a 3 credit position as a research assistant, hopefully for the childhood cognitive-emotional study. On paper that's 18 credits next quarter--eek--but each credit of RA you take is 3 weekly hours. So that's more like 24 credits. Which is utterly terrifying, but kind of has to happen if I want to graduate Fall 2009. And I can't believe I'll be getting a bachelor's degree not long after I turn 20. A bachelor's degree I won't really use, but still. Four or five years and I will be totally done with school--mother of God.
|Wednesday, February 20th, 2008|
I'm not even really sure what's going on anymore. My friends from home, most of whom are not at home, all seem so distracted and unwilling...it's just odd. I feel like I'm doing so much worse this quarter in my classes than last quarter, and I have a math test tomorrow that I have studied so hard for and I don't possibly see how I could do well on it.
I'm going home this weekend to see the doctor and celebrate my mom's birthday, and I still haven't finished her present. While there might possibly be someone new in my life (a he, no less) things just kind of feel like they're standing still in everything but academics. There, they're going too fast.
I keep wondering why I'm even bothering. This is just costing me a lot of time and effort and especially money and it's not something I even need to achieve for the career I want. Eh. I don't think I would respect myself if I didn't finish, though.
|Tuesday, February 5th, 2008|
|I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
Mostly, I'm just happy that I don't feel like I'm being controlled anymore. I don't feel guilty for everything I say, and that's good. It's really good.
There's a very vague chance I may have somewhere to live next year--always a nice thing. I wish I was a better roommate...but at least I'm not terrible. We'll see how things go the next few weeks before I go home again for scrapings. Mmm, scrapings. Thanks, Dr. Ross.